The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
