it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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