allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Randomize
