I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
