You're so nebulous sometimes
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
