Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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