You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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