so that wasnt chicken after all
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
