I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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