my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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