Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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