Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
