You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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