Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize