you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
