just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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