There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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