we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
