I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
