Screwed.edu
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
