i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
