Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
