I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
