my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
