i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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