i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
