Screwed.edu
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
