how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Randomize
