she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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