i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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