we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
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