Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
