wrigley field is MILF paradise
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
