I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
