So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
