Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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