got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
