Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize