The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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