He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Drunk is a universal language darling
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
