Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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