my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
