i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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