I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
