I hate all girls vehemently.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
