i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize