new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
