I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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