I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
