just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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