it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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