Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
sarcasm needs its own font
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
