Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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