I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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