ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
