Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
