Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
