The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
