I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
