Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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