oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
